CHICAGO (ANR June 10) - Barack Hussein Obama can't seem to shake his friends and the trouble they bring to his historic bid for the Whitehouse.

ANR has learned that Obama confidant and convicted racketeer Antoin ' Tony ' Rezko laid down several hundred thousand dollars on Big Brown to win at Belmont in the run to a Triple Crown.

Rezko placed the bet on Obama's behalf and promised the fix was in. However, Big Brown - a Hillary supporter - threw the race to punish Obama and his South Side crew telling ANR, "Those rat bastards won't make a dime off me!" Rezko was convicted on 16 of 24 federal charges last week.

Obama's only comment so far: "Big Brown is a bald-faced liar!"

LOUISVILLE, KY (ANR May 3) - Eight Belles, the promising three-year-old filly running a strong second in her unlikely Kentucky Derby bid was tragically felled today. She was euthanized on the track as Churchill Downs vets deemed recovery impossible.

Pundits were quick to analogize the similarities of Eight Belles' fate and the fatally flawed campaign of Hillary Clinton (D-NY).

Compounding the analogy and feeding fuel to growing media speculation, Clinton as recently as Friday endorsed Eight Belles as the front-runner and predicted a '..come-from-behind victory..'

"I hope that everybody will go to the Derby on Saturday and place just a little money on the filly for me. I won’t be able to be there this year -- my daughter is going to be there and so she has strict instructions to bet on Eight Belles." YET ANOTHER CLINTON CURSE ON THE INNOCENT?

During an acceptance speech acknowledging his four-delegate win in Guam, Sen. Barack Hussein Obama told a crowd of supporters, "As you all know...I had my money on BIG BROWN."

The 20th horse out of the gate, Big Brown won by an impressive five links ahead of the doomed Eight Belles.      POST COMMENT

TOMBSTONE, AZ (ANR Feb. 8) - Known as America's toughest sheriff, Joe Arpaio is feigning no pretense regarding his enthusiam for Arizona's latest/greatest law enforcement addition - photo left.

Former Miami Beach police officer Shaquille O'Neal was traded to the Phoenix Suns Tuesday and plans to continue his off-court gang busting.

While O'Neal's basketball career is sadly ebbing, his fulltime mission of smacking down bad guys is just beginning. The criminal element in Arizona should be forewarned. There's a new Deputy in town, punks!

The Maricopa County Top Cop has a history with O'Neal having promoted him last year to Colonel of the Sheriff's Reserve.

"Shaq and I are old friends," Arpaio told Alien Nation Report today, "we hope to utilize his skills and overwhelming size to round up illegal aliens - the little scratch-back bastards - not to mention other scumbags and miscreants."

Meanwhile Phoenix Suns coach Mike D'Antoni refused comment on The Diesel's extra-curricular activities. But the long suffering Suns journeyman Steve Nash told ANR, "I don't give a damn how old he is or what he does with his spare time...Shaq promised me a ring and by gawd I'm gonna get it!" Ref: ILLEGALS

ATLANTA (ANR July 30) - Following the federal indictment of Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick on animal cruelty charges, shoe magnate NIKE cancelled it's contract with Vick today. It is rumored he stands to lose over 7 million dollars.

Alien Nation Report has learned Vick hired Denver Nuggets run-and-gun outlaw superstar Allen Iverson to represent him in future sponsorship negotiations.

Iverson was immediately able to secure a bowling shoe deal with the venerable footwear manufacturer HUSH PUPPIES™ which will reportedly garner Vick $70.00 for every ten-thousand units sold.

The VICK SLAMMIN 7 line will be available in black and brown, sizes 6 thru 18-EEE with optional steel reinforced toes. The product will retail at $30.00 after rebate. ( See photo above )

Meanwhile, NFL players Clinton Portis and Chris Samuels of the Washington Redskins came to Vick's defense:

Portis said, "I know a lot of back roads that got a dog fight if you want to go see it. But they're not bothering those people because those people are not big names. I'm sure there's some police got some dogs that are fighting them and everything else." Portis called it a black thang.

Samuels said that dogs are a man's property to be, 'done with as the owner sees fit,' comparing dog fighting to wife beating.

TERRE HAUTE, IND (ANR July 20) - Reeling from the indictment of Atlanta Falcon quarterback Michael Vick earlier this week, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced yet another legal snafu involving a high-profile quarterback. ( photo left )

An FBI informant speaking anonymously told Alien Nation Report today that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been named in a sealed indictment from the 7th U.S. District Court on mulitple charges of felony COON BAITING.

Vick was charged with three federal counts involving dogfighting, dog murder and interstate commerce violations.

ANR has learned Manning is alleged to have operated a raccoon fighting facility, training the loveable creatures to humiliate and ultimately kill passive/aggressive beagles. The indictment handed down last night describes Manning as a - cruel task master that routinely insulted the coons
and kicked the beagles.

Colts owner Jim Irsay refused comment.

RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA (ANR Apr. 17) - As Gladstone said, 'Justice delayed is justice denied '. The legal travails of three Duke University lacrosse players have finally come to an end. But where is the apology Messrs. Sharpton and Jackson?

Falsely accused of rape by nappy-headed HO Cyrstal Gail Mangum over a year ago, Reade Seligman, Collin Finnerty and David Evans were cleared Thursday by North Carolina Attorney General Roy Cooper ( see photo above ). MLK had a dream?

In a candid statement Cooper declared, "All three defendants in this mishandled case are innocent. Charges dismissed."

That's little solace for the accused or the Duke lacrosse team that lost an entire season and their coach who was fired over the blatant lies of a convicted prostitute.

Indeed, Crystal Gail Mangum has had several run-ins with the law. Attempting to elude, DUI, resisting arrest and assaulting an officer to name a few.

Mangum also has a history of falsely accusing men of rape. Three times since she was fourteen. Her claims have been ruled false or unsubstantiated in each case by authorities.

The question for Durham County DA Mike Nifong remains, "Will Mangum be charged with a crime in the Duke case or left to stalk more victims because she's black?" Only time and PC will tell.

WASHINGTON, DC (ANR Apr 22, 2006) - A photo of the alleged victim of a gang-rape by Duke University lacrosse players has been leaked to the press and Jesse Jackson claims, "Bush did it!"

The image released today by CBS News (photo lower right) has been redacted so no real identification is possible.

CBS News spokesforger Valerie Plame told Alien Nation Report, "Well sure, the photo could be any black hooker from any town in America, but we stand by the authenticity of our story." (' When pigs fly ' she giggled).

Bush defenders point to the forged military documents aired by Dan Rather in his partisan attempt to defeat the President in 2004.

"CBS has an agenda," American Patriots founder Bill Hale told ANR today, "they will stop at nothing to destroy a good man."

Meanwhile, forty-six white Duke lacrosse players have been DNA tested and NONE matched rape-kit samples taken by police from the alleged victim.

The only black player present during the alleged rape was NOT tested. In a further outrage, Durham police asked the alleged victim to view a photo line-up and presented her ONLY photos of the Duke team, excluding the black player.

DURHAM, NC (ANR May 15, 2006) - District Attorney Mike Nifong announced today that he will be seeking the arrest of a third suspect in the Duke University rape case.

Nifong secured the indictments of two Duke lacrosse players last month and said then he believed there would be at least one more arrest. Visit SPORTS ARCHIVES Here

The suspect has been identified only by his nickname, The Broom (see photo left). However, a DNA test conducted last week was negative for the lacrosse team janitor.

The alleged victim told investigators she was sodomized by a white broom.

DNA tests performed on 46 of 47 Duke players present during the alleged rape in an off-campus residence proved a negative match to any of them.

Nifong ordered the arrest of Reade Seligmann (left) and Collin Finnerty (right) anyway, outraging some in the legal community.

The only Duke player not tested was black. The alleged victim is also black with a checkered past including brushes with the law in Durham and other nearby cities. Her story has changed numerous times and was reportedly intoxicated when Durham Police first interviewed her.

MUNICH (ANR June 19) - In what German authorities are calling a 'freakish event', a kitten gone bad and armed with a .223 rifle shot and killed an Iranian soccer player today.

UN investigators at the scene told Alien Nation Report sports editor Scooter Libby that the shooter was not a terrorist.

Terrorism experts world-wide expected trouble at the FIFA World Cup with the host nation Germany posting over 7000 troops on site.

"But no one could have foreseen this," Constable Adolf Switzer told ANR, "we are dazed at the very thought of a well trained cat shooting sandmonkeys with an AR-15." (photo right)

The AR-15 is a uniquely American firearm used by farmers in the Midwest to kill rodents.

Director of Feline Research at USC, Dr. Fred Munday told ANR, "Cats hate rats but I'm not sure how this little kitten was able to come to the conclusion that IRANIANS are....um....ratbastards."

An investigation is underway by Congress to determine exactly how the cat obtained an AR-15. According to a Democrat spokesliar, House Minority Leader Nancy 'Scarface' Pelosi (D-CA) will introduce legislation to deny 2nd Amendment rights to cats.

PENSACOLA, FL (ANR June 14) - While vacationing in the midst of Tropical Storm Alberto, a rural Georgia man and his wife landed a record breaking landshark ( Carcharodon Carcharias T- Firma )

KEVIN EATON (photo left) snagged the beast while trolling inside St. Andrews State Recreational Area in Panama City, Florida.

"The locals tell me landsharks were supposed to be extinct," Eaton told Alien Nation Report sports editor Scooter Libby today, "but I guess all these damned storms have brought some of 'em back to the area."

Eaton's catch weighed in at 1317 lbs. 7 Oz. crushing the old record by an incredible two pounds (unofficial).

Long spoken of in ancient Okeheelee Tribal lore, the landshark was said to be neither fish nor mammal. Legend has it the extraordinary creature can live both on land and in the ocean, but prefers terra-firma. Mostly for the 'fast-food' the story goes.

Florida University Department of Marine Biology Chairman, Bill Drum, agrees with the legend and admits that numerous landsharks have been taken in the Sunshine State besides the World Record monster back in 1919.

"Well obviously Mr. Eaton's catch today clearly sets aside any lingering doubt about the existence of landsharks in these waters and woodlands," Drum said.

EATON, a landsharking purist, used the traditional twelve foot cane-pole and 10 lb. test line baited with live squirrels.

"My wife Cheryl said I should go with the heavier gear and my 30.06, but I like doing it the way the native peoples did," Eaton told ANR. Eaton's record claim is under review by the obscure LAA (Landshark Anglers Association).

RICHMOND (ANR May 20) - And Idol semi-finalist Elliot Yamin couldn't be happier.

"I hate what Barry Bonds represents," said Yamin today, "winning by cheating is not the American way."

During Thursday's game in Houston Astro's starter Russ Springer (above left), appeared to adopt a 'steroid-police' role when facing slugger Barry Bonds.

In five pitches Springer threw the first behind BIG HEAD then went inside CLOSE on the next three, hitting Bond's bat for a strike.

After an umpire's warning and apparently bored with the hunt, Springer spanked Bonds in the shoulder on his 5th pitch.

Springer was ejected and ordered to serve a four game suspension, stop trying to kill Bonds and apologize to several random negroes. Bonds refused comment.

COOPERSTOWN, NY (ANR May 17) - Speaking to a small crowd gathered to honor hypodermic syringe inventor Milo Guttenberg today, Major League Baseball commisioner Bud Selig asked, "Can you just imagine baseball without the CANS ?"

Referring to Mexicans, Dominicans, Puerto Ricans and Costa Ricans, Selig then asked, "Would you travel to Yukon, Alaska to catch a Sunday game?"

According to Selig, even New York wouldn't 'support an all white team'. This he asserted, would send The Big Show ever further north, "Out of reach for most fans." (see photo above)

Asking the crowd to consider last year's ALL STAR game Selig (photo right) pointed out the truth about Major League Baseball.

"If the CANS were removed, greats like Paul Lo Duca, Albert Pujols, Luis Castillo, Csar Izturis, Felipe Lopez, Moise Alou, Miguel Cabrera, Luis Gonzalez, and Carlos Lee would have been picking lettuce instead of hitting homers".

For some ridiculous reason, Barry Bonds told ANR today that Bud Selig is a racist.

PHILADELPHIA (ANR May 9) - A report released today by the American Association of Anatomy and Physiology Scientists claims the evidence that slugger Barry Bonds is using steroids is without question. Many in the sporting world have wondered publicly for years about Barry's apparent lack of balls (photo above).

"He was once a slight young black man and now he is a very large, very violent black woman," Dr. Jeremy Irons told ANR today.

Indeed, Bonds has become increasingly violent and subject to fits of PMS-like emotional outbursts.

Yesterday, Bonds slammed his 713th homerun putting him just one behind tying the record of legendary Babe Ruth.

When the fan (photo right) who caught the ball approached Bonds to autograph it, the slugger went berserk screaming in a falsetto voice, "Hell no, I ain't signin yo fuckin ball BITCH!"

Bonds then threw the ball at the fan, imbedding it in his skull. E-Bay officials say blood stains will not diminish the ball's value. The fan was treated for a head wound and released. He told ANR that he 'plans to keep the ball forever.'