SADDAM HUSSEIN
INTERVIEW by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
November 7, 2006

PEPPERS: Saddam I gotta tell you this is not a thrill for me but thanks anyway for granting an exclusive interview to ANR. If you will leave your jail address with my staff after the interview I will send you any kind of rope you might prefer.
HUSSEIN: May the wrath of Allah be on you Brian. Rope? Well that's a no-brainer. Something pink I would imagine.
PEPPERS: Alrighty then! Really Saddam how does it feel to be facing your maker?
HUSSEIN: It sucks the monkey as you say in America.
PEPPERS: We don't say that....
HUSSEIN: Sure you do. John Kerry told me this as fact.... Mr. Kerry does not lie!
PEPPERS: Be that as it may Saddam....please tell my readers what you expect when they hang your ass. I mean it's got to be scary right?
HUSSEIN: Scary? No. A real downer like sucking the monkey yes. According to my sunni faith I recieve no virgins if hanged by the neck. Only three diseased Madagascar monkeys. And you know how difficult they can be.
PEPPERS: Actually Saddam....I don't.
HUSSEIN: Oh fuck-all Brian....! Those disgusting bastards would steal the pennies out of their dead monkey-mother's eyes.
PEPPERS: You got a real thang for monkeys don't you Saddam?
HUSSEIN: Well they are cute and cuddly when they have been doped up.
PEPPERS: Enough monkey talk Saddam. How about those folks you butchered in not only Dujail but all the others in your torture chambers and rape-rooms?
HUSSEIN: Rape rooms? Torture chambers? What are you smoking Brian? Do you foolishly accept the Devil Bush and his lies?
PEPPERS: I'll ask the questions here Saddam. You're going to hang in the Baghdad town square for gassing 150 Iraqi citizens in 1982 because you didn't like the way they talked. Isn't that so?
HUSSEIN: No. I gassed them because I felt like it. Besides they were just Kurds. Not REAL muslims.
PEPPERS: Not real muslims?
HUSSEIN: No.
PEPPERS: What's a real muslim Saddam?
HUSSEIN: Beats the fuck outta me. What do I care.
PEPPERS: So you are unrepentant?
HUSSEIN: What does that mean?
PEPPERS: It means you are without remorse for the crimes you have committed and have been sentenced to die for.
HUSSEIN: Whatever....
PEPPERS: Did you know MICHAEL MOORE is porking ALL your wives?
HUSSEIN: Whaaaaaa..........?
PEPPERS: Yeah...you mean Ramsey Clark didn't tell you? Word is MOORE is sexing 'em up big time!
HUSSEIN: INFIDEL LIES! My women would never be with a fat short-legged white man!
PEPPERS: Ooooh I don't know about THAT Saddam....the FAT ONE has been doing 'em day and night is what we at ANR hear ( laughing ).
HUSSEIN: Samira...my precious Samira?
PEPPERS: Oh yeah!
HUSSEIN: Sajida?
PEPPERS: Yup!
HUSSEIN: Nidal?
PEPPERS: Uh Huh!
HUSSEIN: And my dear Wafa?
PEPPERS: We heard she's a wild one. Mikey likes barebacking with her (laughing)......
HUSSEIN: (beginning to sob) You are the devil. Your are an agent of Bush. This is torture and I demand the Red Cross step into this interview!
PEPPERS: OOPS! We ain't done yet Saddam! Remember your daughter RAGHEAD?
HUSSEIN: Her name is Raghad....rawg'-HAAD! (beginning to wail) Not her too? Please say no Mr. Brian!
PEPPERS: Soooo sorry Saddam....RAGHEAD does the dirty and especially likes the around-the-world thang if you get my meaning

---

MICHAEL J. FOX
INTERVIEW by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
TRANSLATION by:
CBS Talking Head
Katie Couric
October 30, 2006

PEPPERS: Hey Mike it's great to talk to you. It's been a tough couple of weeks eh?
FOX: plendjauhhhhdunt callluhhh my namm Mike.
TRANSLATION: Please Brian my name is Michael. I prefer Michael.
PEPPERS: Uh okay. So I'll just call you Shakey. So tell us....what's up with this embryonic stem-cell crap? Do you admit there is NO significant research success with the embryonic stuff?
FOX: nooo ooo ooo umuhhhh snig mummmmaa craaaaaap!
TRANSLATION: That's crap. My momma said THAT'S CRAP! My momma said....my momma said
PEPPERS: Calm down Shakey and didn't Adam Sandler say that? So if you can control yourself....tell our readers why you agreed to repeat absolute lies about GOP candidates in those ads.
FOX: Ohh ohhh buhbubrii anseer this! dooo yoou uuuhmm...mmmknoooo sheeeeut aboot annnithuing?
TRANSLATION: My momma said you don't know shit a-BOOT shit!
PEPPERS: Are you off your meds again Shakey or just manipulating the dosage? It's 10 o'clock does your momma know where you are?

( TO BE CONTINUED )

KIM JONG IL
Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
October 20, 2006

PEPPERS: Welcome to ANR Kim. It is okay if I call you Kim right?
KIM: No Brian it is not. I am the Secretary-General of Korea. You call me Mr. Secretary!
PEPPERS: Okay Kim. About this press hand-out provided by your staff....it seems to have some discrepancies.
KIM: Discrepancies?
PEPPERS: Yeah....like for instance....uh....how tall are you exactly?
KIM: I am strapping six foot and three inches in Western measurement.
PEPPERS: Uh yeah well there is the problem Kimmy. The hand-out states you are THREE foot SIX inches.
KIM: You have the dyslexic disease Brian. Like Bush and all Americans you see everything backwards.
PEPPERS: I can't comment on behalf of the President or other Americans Kim but jeeze....you're standing across from me and I can plainly see that you are a midget. Three foot six is actually stretching it a bit.
KIM: Yes I am standing and you are sitting. That is clearly why you might think me to be shorter than I truely am.
PEPPERS: Okaaaay then! How about this....your publicist claims you shot 18 holes-in-one the first time you played golf. Care to respond?
KIM: He was sucking up when he released that report. I actually shot 16 holes-in-one. I had the fool executed.
PEPPERS: Let's shift gears shall we Kim? Could you review these photos (spreads pictures on table). These are satellite images of your nation at night. There are only two points of light and U.S. Intelligence claims the one light is your house. The other is classified. And you see the nation to your south is just glowing. Your thoughts?
KIM: These photos only prove the frugality of the North Korean people. MY people! (violently swipes photos from table). They conserve energy and defeat U.S. bombing attacks by leaving off their lights at night.
PEPPERS: Yet YOU leave your lights on at night Kim. Are you taunting the American Air Force or are you simply afraid of the dark?
KIM: I fear nothing. I live simple life just as my people. I was given a Briggs & Stratton generator by my friend Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for personal use. It produces 500 watts power. Enough so I can read in bed at night. Nothing more!
PEPPERS: Okay. Then what about that OTHER point of light visible in most of the photos? A UFO maybe?
KIM: No. Not UFO! Campfire from U.S. assassins! I am not afraid of them. I ordered numerous pop-bottle rockets unleashed against their position just yesterday!
PEPPERS: But that didn't scare them away did it Secretary-General IL?

HOUSE MINORITY LEADER
NANCY PELOSI (D-CA)
Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
October 4, 2006

PEPPERS: We are surprised Nancy that you took the time to sit for this interview. I must confess I won a bet with the ANR editorial staff on this one. They said you would never discuss your myspace.com activities.
PELOSI: Well Brian I am what I am and never afraid to speak my mind. And what the fuck do you mean myspace.com?
PEPPERS: Look Nancy there's no need for that kind of language. I'm sorry but didn't your staff inform you of the subject matter to be embraced in this interview?
PELOSI: Fuck no they didn't! Oh they are sooooo fired!
PEPPERS: Again Ms. Pelosi....please try to watch your language. This is a family cyber-magazine okay? Now about your myspace.com account....we have tons of posts that we know came from you.
PELOSI: Oh that's just bullshit Brian! You can't prove a thing!
PEPPERS: Do you today deny that stretchface_69 is your screen name at myspace.com?
PELOSI: Well sure that's my handle. But you have no right to access my private posts and e-mails goddamn it! This is just another example of the Bush Patriot Act gone wild. My cyber-life is no one's fucking business. I demand an investigation! And while I'm at it....that fucking Bush LIED about weapons of mass destruction just to get his fucking war in Iraq goddamn it!
PEPPERS: Now lookit Nancy! This is the last time I'm going to warn you....put a cork in that potty mouth of yours! Is vulgarity the DEM response?
PELOSI: Fuck you Brian.
PEPPERS: Okay then if that's how it's going to be....and since you brought up WMD's do you recall this statement you made in 1998:

"Saddam Hussein has been engaged in the development of weapons of mass destruction technology which is a threat to countries in the region and he has made a mockery of the weapons inspection process."
   - Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)
Dec. 16, 1998 | Source

PELOSI: Just more of your bullshit Brian! When did I supposedly say that? I'm not STUPID !
PEPPERS: You were quoted on CNN and the Washington Times as well as others published it Nancy.
PELOSI: Oh yeah! ( snorts defiantly) So the fuck what! I was backing Billy when he lost bin-Laden for like the umpteenth time.
PEPPERS: President Bush said almost the same thing in 2003 and you call him a liar. My question Nancy.... were you lying in 1998?
PELOSI: Well fuck no! But your readers are too stupid to remember what I said or when!
PEPPERS: Oh really? ( Stay tuned for Nancy's myspace.com

HUGO CHAVEZ
Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
September 24, 2006

PEPPERS: El Presidente! We hear you had a scary day in New York. Are you okay to do the interview?
CHAVEZ: Yes yes Brian I am muy perfecto. Let's do this thing.
PEPPERS: So those gringo thugs kicked your ass pretty good huh?
CHAVEZ: They were sent by el diablo Bush. I am not afraid. I kicked his ass during UN speech! My muchachos made the thugs more unhappy than I made your Bush!
PEPPERS: Okay Hugo enough of that. So you were cutting the ribbon for a new Citgo station in Harlem when a group of angry yankees attacked you and your entourage, correct?
CHAVEZ: Yes. My company Petróleos de Venezuela is opening many many many Citgo stations in the American Northeast. Free gas for the cocodrilos I say! The white yankees don't like that so much....especially that A-Rod puta.
PEPPERS: Oh c'mon Hugo! Alex Rodriquez wasn't involved. He's not a street thug. He plays baseball for the Yankees for christ sakes.
CHAVEZ: Of course Brian! The one loud and screaming wore a Yankees shirt and carried a baseball stick. But then again ALL American spics look a like to me.
PEPPERS: Isn't SPIC a rather strong term especially coming from a....uh....spic?
CHAVEZ: No Brian I don't think that is how you say....uhmmmm....correcto mundo! I am no spic my people are not spics! We come from Venezuela NOT the Puerto Rica. Or New York. You must admit Brian how well I SPEAK the language.
PEPPERS: What language would that be Hugo.... HATE? And it's RICO, idiot!
CHAVEZ: Call me what you will Brian. But I kicked shit from your president and won standing ovation (laughs so hard he begins coughing).
PEPPERS: Okay okay....we already covered that foolishness. You need a drink of water or something Hugo (now gagging) you don't look so good.
CHAVEZ: No no I am muy fuerte....ask your questions.
PEPPERS: How about those rumors of an affair between you and Mother Sheehan....hmmmm?
CHAVEZ: Ah yes! Cindy Sheehan the Americana puta that we on the Left love to use and use and use....ugly as burro but a good piece of ass (laughs loudly).
PEPPERS: Good by your oafish standards Hugo. What would you say if I told you Sheehan returned from her visit with you....PREGNANT!
CHAVEZ: She was passed around to all my muchachos. Padre no nombrado! I deen't do eet senor Brian.
PEPPERS: But didn't your wife Marisabel leave you over the affair with Sheehan? ....TO BE CONTINUED....IN NEXT WEEK'S Edition....

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD
Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
September 13, 2006

PEPPERS: Many in the Western world consider you a nutcase and Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah claims that you, he and Syrian president Bashar al-Assad have been involved in a three-way homosexual liaison for years. Nasrallah privately refers to you as ' Dinky ' and Assad as 'Assboy'! How do you respond?
AHMADINEJAD: I am the president of the New Persian World Government....you are an infidel so you may NOT call me Dinky. I warn you that if you persist I will have your head!
PEPPERS: Okaaay....so....Dinky....do you deny the allegations or is Nasrallah just a middle-aged queen jealous of your powerful standing in the international community?
AHMADINEJAD: Well when you put it that way Brian....yes 'Nasty' as Bashar and I call Nasrallah has been something of a little shit lately. And yes....yes I am very powerful. I have made your president Bush sleep lightly these past months have I not?
PEPPERS: I'll ask the questions here Dinky. And no I doubt President Bush gives a muslim fuck about you and your deranged nuke-fantasies. Your program couldn't power a Korean Dildoe. But enough of your sex life....all the world knows Muslim leaders are gay. Regarding the U.S. Embassy siege in 1979....what did you know and when did you know it?
AHMADINEJAD: I will disregard your western hate-speech for the moment Brian....ah the embassy days....I remember them fondly. You know we made a damned fool out of your Preasident Carter!
PEPPERS: No you didn't Dinky....Carter was a damned fool long before you came on the scene. The question is....are those pictures of a tiny little terrorist holding U.S. personnel hostage....do those pictures show a younger Dinky?
AHMADINEJAD: Yes those photos are accurate. I was quite the dashing figure in my college days. Women wanted me and camels feared me. Such fun we had.
PEPPERS: So you've had it in for America most of your life. Is it fair to say you actually are scared to death of America and secretly know we are gonna make your little, muslim ass glow in the dark?
AHMADINEJAD: Fearful of the Uncle Sam? No. The glowing in the desert night....well let me say this about that....you wouldn't dare! Americans and jews are pestilence without teeth. You have no courage. You fight like girls. You....uh let me see....you let your women take their pussy hostage then sleep on the couch! (launches into song) "Everywhere we go-oh, people want to know-oh; Who are those raggy ragheads? We are the Mighty Mighty Persians!" and we laugh in your face!
PEPPERS: That's big talk for such a little camel-fucker, Dinky.... and it doesn't even rhyme. Other than lame-assed highschool fight songs how do you plan on handling the United States Marines....talk 'em to death?
AHMADINEJAD: We worry little about this. Assboy and Nasty (Bashar Assad and Hassan Nasrallah) will never allow the Americans past Damascus. They and their jew lapdogs will be stopped and die in the desert!
PEPPERS: Oh really? You mean like how Saddam Hussein and the Taliban stopped the U.S. Marines. Would it be something like that................Dinky?
AHMADINEJAD: Well....you must know we Persians are not afraid to die. As president I will hide in Paris.

JESUS of NAZARETH
Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
August 28, 2006

PEPPERS: My Lord I am humbled that you would agree to this interview.
JESUS: Why is that Brian? You have been talking with me every night since you were a child. Did I ever fail to allay your fears? Am I not with you always steadfast at the gate?
PEPPERS: Yes Lord you are....forgive me. However, people from all over the world read our interviews. We publish in English. Will non-English speaking peoples understand without translation software?
JESUS: Yes Brian. I am the Way and the Light. All who read these words will be blessed with understanding.
PEPPERS: Okay then. As you know ANR just completed a two part interview with the Prophet Muhammad...
JESUS: Ah yes....my brother Muhammad. He has issues. Peace be on him.
PEPPERS: Outside of the devout muslim world few people know much about Muhammad. So we centered our visit with him on his personal history. But everyone on planet Earth has heard your story....the greatest story ever told I might add....so could we structure this interview in a question and answer format?
JESUS: Yes you may....
PEPPERS: First question: During all those days and nights in the desert while the devil was tempting you, how did you defeat him?
JESUS: Lucifer was already defeated. My Father cast him from Heaven. I stood meekly, wrapped in the steel of faith and relied on Truth. Satan can't handle the Truth.
PEPPERS: What criteria....uh....by what means did you choose your twelve apostles?
JESUS: I did not choose them. By their faith they chose me.
PEPPERS: What kind of guy was John the Baptist?
JESUS: John was then and forever will be blessed among men on Earth and in Heaven.
PEPPERS: Why was it necessary for John to baptize you?
JESUS: To submit myself before the world that all would know my Father through me and believe in the power of the Holy Ghost that the lost are found.
PEPPERS: The miracles....there were so many. What was the purpose? Why did you bring Lazarus back from the dead?
JESUS: That's two questions Brian....the miracles were to prove the impossible, through My Father, is possible....Lazarus was asleep not dead....no one with faith ever dies. I knew the family and they had been good to me. I eased their pain.
PEPPERS: When you entered the Temple....your Father's property, you trashed the place....temper tantrum?
JESUS: Okay Brian....I'm human.
PEPPERS: After the betrayal in the garden, the trial and humiliation....did the punishment and execution hurt?
JESUS: Yes
PEPPERS: Pontius Pilate ordered a sign be placed on the cross over your head....it read INRI....what does that mean?
JESUS: It's a form of Latin used by the Emperor.... IESVS NAZARENVS REX IVDAEORVM....'jesus of nazareth, king of the jews'.

THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD
Interview (1 of 2) by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
August 20, 2006

PEPPERS: Welcome to Alien Nation Report Muhammad....how was your flight with all the new security restrictions?
MUHAMMAD: It was okay but I hated removing my sandals إلهة عظيمة.
PEPPERS: You hate a lot of things here on Planet Earth don't you?
MUHAMMAD: Yes Brian I do....especially those former Welfare negroes at WENDYS....you call that fast food...(laughs)...just kidding!
PEPPERS: Excuse me?
MUHAMMAD: Oh come on Brian! Don't tell me you haven't stood on one foot then the other waiting for the monkey to prepare a burger while infidels behind you laugh at ALLAH! Peace be on you Brian.
PEPPERS: May a piece of pork or something be on you Muhammad!
MUHAMMAD: What is it you say Brian I misunderstand.
PEPPERS: Never mind....but lookit....lay off our negroes....okay....we are very proud of them cause they make us laugh.
MUHAMMAD: Yes yes Brian....I will lighten up (laughs loudly for several minutes)....get it Brian....lighten up?
PEPPERS: Okay enough of that....what the Western World and ANR is most interested in is your life story....care to talk about it?
MUHAMMAD: Well yes of course. I love to talk about myself in any language.
PEPPERS: Okay then....where were you born, who's your daddy and what inspired your prophetic visions?
MUHAMMAD: That is a long and beautiful story which can only.....
PEPPERS: Yeah Yeah! I'm sure it is....just cut to the chase Muhammad....give us the Readers Digest version.
MUHAMMAD: Readers Digest....?
PEPPERS: Yeah that's the ticket....speed it up we don't have eternity here 'ya know.
MUHAMMAD: Oh you infidels! Always in the hurry....well okay. I was born in a tent close to what is now called Syria. My mother was a professional woman who had become friendly with my father. Dad had a import/export business that took him throughout the region selling his wares. My Mom died giving birth (sighs while fighting back tears). Anyway, Dad tried his best but died a few years later from bad Camel's Pee soup and I was sent to live with my grandfather in Persia. (choking softly) Then he died and I eventually ended up with my evil uncle, also an importer/exporter....
PEPPERS: If I could just interrupt a moment Muhammad....we have been led to believe that after your father's death you went to your uncle THEN your grandfather....
MUHAMMAD: Hey Brian who's telling this story? Yeah it was a long time ago but GEEZ I think I know where I came from.... DUH!
PEPPERS: Okay then.....we now know 'MUHAMMAD: The Early Years'.....when did the visions begin?
MUHAMMAD: On a trip with my uncle to what is now Haditha.
PEPPERS: Iraq?
MUHAMMAD: No Brian....Little Rock Arkansas!
PEPPERS: Point taken....what did you see?
MUHAMMAD: The WHORE!
PEPPERS: Whore?
MUHAMMAD: Yes!
PEPPERS: And this whore would be....?
MUHAMMAD: The future re-established nation of Israel....the bastard jews!
PEPPERS: But didn't you get along with the jews back in the day Muhammad?
MUHAMMAD: Well yes Brian....but still we hated the seed of Isaac.
PEPPERS: But weren't Isaac and your supposed 'seed' Ishmael both the sons of Abraham?
MUHAMMAD: Brian we in Islam have a saying for that old bastard...."You plowed fertile ground for a King and your dried up Sarah produced a Fruit...."
PEPPERS: Okaaaay then....let's switch gears Muhammad....what about that 12th Imam and August 22?
MUHAMMAD: August 22 marks the day I flew to heaven....much like your EASTER recalls that FOOL Jesus and his Quick-Trip for salvation!
PEPPERS: Let's continue this next week in case nothing happens August 22....shall we Muhammad?

Hezbollah Leader Hassan Nasrallah Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
August 6, 2006
Translation by:
Nassar al-Nassar

PEPPERS: We are amazed that you have agreed to this interview Sheik Nasrallah. How do your terrorist killers in HEZBOLLAH feel about you sitting down with a Christian?
NASRALLAH: Ack ack aaack ACK'...ACK!
TRANSLATION: Fuck 'em... I am supreme holy leader.
PEPPERS: Well then let's get right to it....can I call you ASSan.... Hassan?
NASRALLAH: Ack
TRANSLATION: Yes
PEPPERS: So ASSan the Israelis claim you are an alien presence in Lebanon....how do you respond?
NASRALLAH: Ack ack aack ACK C'ACK!
TRANSLATION: Yes Brian I am Persian...the master race.
PEPPERS: Soooo...you not only hate jews but you hate arabs also?
NASRALLAH: AAACCCK ACK ACCCK ACK AAACKKK CA'AACK ACK AC'CCK!
TRANSLATION: We kill ALL jews and the bastard pests they call children.....same for the SANDMONKEYS....and their filthy camels!...We REALLY hate Hindus!
PEPPERS: But don't you depend on the arabs for arms and prostitutes?
NASRALLAH: Ack ack aack ack aack ack ACK.
TRANSLATION: You are right Brian...especially the blonde white women.
PEPPERS: But our sources at ANR tell us you swing both ways there...ASSan.
NASRALLAH: aaaaaaaaaack?
TRANSLATION: Whaaaaaaaaaat?
PEPPERS: It's just that we heard you have a jewish wife and an arab side dish.
NASRALLAH: Aaack aack (laughs) ack.. AAC'K Ack..
TRANSLATION: Oh...yes Brian...I won them playing Texas Hold 'Em in Beirut.
PEPPERS: You seem willing to discuss your personal life ASSan.....wanna talk about Dinky and Assboy?
NASRALLAH: Ack aaaack C'aaack AAAAACCK ack 'ack.
TRANSLATION: Yes....Mahmoud and Bashar....we are dear friends.
PEPPERS: Then Dinky is Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Assboy is Syrian president Bashar al-Assad....is that correct ASSan?
NASRALLAH: Ack
TRANSLATION: Yes
PEPPERS: We understand that Ahmadinejad is Persian and you would be naturally drawn to him but what's up with al-Assad...he's a Sandmonkey as you put it....why align with him?
NASRALLAH: Aaack' AACK ack...acck aaaack..acck AAAAck
TRANSLATION: Well of course Dinky and I are from same world and he is much fun...but Assboy has tight hole.
PEPPERS: You are of course referring to Dinky and Assboy's military assistance....aren't you ASSan?
NASRALLAH: aaaaack ack ACK ACK ack aaaack'ack AACK
TRANSLATION: Yes yes Brian...Dinky gives happily but Assboy holds close his money....he's my bitch!
PEPPERS: Are you aware ASSan that the Western world thinks you are a rebel without a cause and a damned fool?................to be continued next week................ACK ack AAACK!

Bill Clinton Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
July 12, 2006

PEPPERS: Gotta tell you Former President Clinton it is just....uh....okay to be here in Little Rock. Say, that library you and the North Koreans built is a beauty, eh?
CLINTON: Brian most reporters refer to me as President Clinton. And yes Arkansas is like home to me and the Hillary. I try to get back here as often as my very important post-presidency schedule allows.
PEPPERS: Yeah you do get around don't you? Anyway.....I have to say you just look like hell. You've aged Bill. Anything going on there?
CLINTON: Well as you know I had heart surgery. The doctors told me they had a hard time finding the damned thing (laughs).
PEPPERS: Uh...yeah..that's a good one Bill. So your health is better now even though you really do look like hell?
CLINTON: My health is good. And I still look better than the Hillary. Women still love me and fish fear me!
PEPPERS: We'll get to All The President's Women in a minute. What ANR readers really want to know...Bill did you, Jimmy Carter and Madeleine 'Crusher' Albright sell out the West and America to Kim Jong IL with your 1994 AGREED FRAMEWORK ARMS CONTROL treaty? Did that treaty in fact give Kim Jong IL nuclear capability?
CLINTON: Well yes and no Brian (snickers and points a bent finger).
PEPPERS: What the hell does that mean?
CLINTON: Well I told Jimmy to stay out of it but you know how ex-presidents are. And Maddy (Albright) well the Crusher is and was then beyond my control.
PEPPERS: So you are telling us that it wasn't your fault. You had nothing to do with arming North Korea with nuclear weapons?
CLINTON: Uh.....yeah Brian. That works! Couldn't have said it better myself. You know, I need a good writer...want a job?
PEPPERS: No.
CLINTON: Ya' sure?
PEPPERS: Yes.
CLINTON: Brian I think you're making more out of this Korean situation than is really there...I mean hell when we sent the materials and hardware to North Korea, Kimmy (Jong IL) told me himself, "Six Nukes me love you long time." Then he promised to never use them in anger.
PEPPERS: And you believed him?
CLINTON: Sure! Hell, why shouldn't I? I'm rich now and this crap don't mean nothing to me (laughs and winks at Pepper's secretary).
PEPPERS: Okay...enough about that. Let's Talk about All The President's Women. Everyone has heard about Monica, Kathleen Willey, Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones. What about the other three?
CLINTON: Three? There are no others and I ain't lyin or nuthin!
PEPPERS: Elizabeth Ward Gracen 1982?
CLINTON: Never heard of her.
PEPPERS: Sally Perdue...heiress to Big Chicken in Arkansas 1983?
CLINTON: Don't ring a bell.
PEPPERS: Dolly Kyle Browning your High School Sweetheart 1994?
CLINTON: Nope!...... Oh, and.....uh.....Brian.....tell Cooper I said HOWDY and my condolences to Doc's family!

Osama bin-Laden Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
July 4, 2006

PEPPERS: Welcome to ALIEN NATION REPORT Osama. We hope our Globalstar/SATPHONE-M60 is working properly. Is the connection good? Can you hear me?
bin-LADEN: Yes yes Brian....I can hear you! Allah Akhbar! Peace be on you.
PEPPERS: Ummmmm......and may a piece of something be ON you soon you son-of-a.......
bin-LADEN: What was that Brian...you are breaking up I could not understand....
PEPPERS: Sorry Osama. There.... can you hear me better now?
bin-LADEN: Yes much better.
PEPPERS: Osama are you home now or like just having coffee at al-Starbucks or something?
bin-LADEN: No Brian I am home. Our al-Starbucks was bombed by the Bush Infidels last month. I stay here in my cave most of the time now.
PEPPERS: Good. Very good Osama. Now how about the death of your dear friend Abu Musab al-Zarqawi? That had to hurt, right?
bin-LADEN: Well of course that was a painful experience for all of us in the Al-Qaeda family. Musab was a lion and one good lay if you get the humor of it, eh Brian?
PEPPERS: Uh yeah....but it sounds like YOU got it....a lot!
bin-LADEN: (laughing) Yes very funny Brian...we were good together, Musab and I. Peace be on him (pause)...I hear clicking on the line Brian.... what is that?
PEPPERS: It's nothing Osama don't worry about it. My secretary is typing her resume´. Nothing to concern yourself with.
bin-LADEN: Excuse me Brian...someone is at the door to my cave....(pause with sounds of canvas flapping and muffled voices, then gunfire)..okay I am back. Just some Mormons with their stupid shit...I ordered them shot and their heads de-bodied.
PEPPERS: Whoa! That's extreme Osama. Speaking of extreme...how about this clown Abu Ayyub al-Masri? Is he your new main man in Iraq now?
bin-LADEN: Well Brian we call him al-Cinderella so the CIA can't find him...but yes Abu is number one in Iraq for so long as he leaves alone the camels...know what I'm saying Brian? (pause) Now I hear beeping...what is THAT?
PEPPERS: It's NOTHING Osama really...it's nothing at all. Now let me play hardball with you. Is it true that ALL Al-Qaeda terrorists are queer and don't even believe in Allah?
bin-LADEN: Queer is a strong word...we prefer to use 'goat-spoiler'. And Allah was the REAL fag as far as we are concerned. Piece be on Him! (laughing then pause) The beeping Brian is growing stronger. What is your secretary doing NOW....?
PEPPERS: She's playing a video game.
bin-LADEN: A video game?
PEPPERS: Yes.
bin-LADEN: What does she call it?
PEPPERS: PREDATOR. Do you see a glowing red dot on the wall of your cave?
bin-LADEN: Yes Brian I do.
PEPPERS: Look out your door Osama!
bin-LADEN: HOLY SHIITE!!!!!! (sound of explosions) End of interview. Brian Peppers' secretary hits 'replay'.

Sen. John F. Kerry Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
June 24, 2006

PEPPERS: On behalf of the entire staff at ALIEN NATION REPORT let me just say it is a thrill to have you sit down with us today Senator Kerry.
KERRY: Well Brian as you know I served in Vietnam and traveling around the country at taxpayer expense reminding everyone of my service in that illegal war takes up a lot of my schedule. But I am pleased to squeeze you in.
PEPPERS: Uh...yeah...thanks again Senator. So let's get right to it. I gotta say you took it in the shorts yesterday on the Floor with your cut and run bill didn't you? I mean an 86 to 13 defeat is a humiliation, right?
KERRY: No not really Brian. I could have won that bill if forty-four more of my colleaques had voted yea instead of nay. In my mind the vote was VERY close and I am proud of my effort.
PEPPERS: Proud? You are proud of an ass-kicking?
KERRY: Yes Brian...extremely proud.
PEPPERS: So losing is winning?
KERRY: Yes. And another thing Brian, my bill didn't call for cutting and running as you call it. I endorsed a strategy of running away from an unwise and illegal war that we are losing. A war I voted for then against and then for. Kinda sort of.

PEPPERS: To that point Senator, let me take you back to the run-up to the war in Iraq. I want to read a quote we found on your website archives. A speech you made at Georgetown University. Wanna hear it?
KERRY: Sure Brian. I can always deny it and the stupid American taxpayers will never know the difference.
PEPPERS: Be that as it may let me just read this to you, your words:

"I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force -- if necessary -- to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security." - Sen. John F-ing Kerry (D-MA) Oct 9, 2002.

Your website even included the citation giving the date you made the statement. How do you respond Senator?
KERRY: OOPS! Damn those Swiftboat guys! They gave you my website addy didn't they?
PEPPERS: No they didn't. How about this one Senator:

"Without question, we need to disarm Saddam Hussein. He is a brutal, murderous dictator, leading an oppressive regime ... He presents a particularly grievous threat because he is so consistently prone to miscalculation ... And now he is miscalculating America's response to his continued deceit and his consistent grasp for weapons of mass destruction...So the threat of Saddam Hussein with weapons of mass destruction is real." - Sen. John F-ing Kerry (D-MA) Jan 23, 2003

KERRY: If you demand the FUCKING truth then this FUCKING interview is FUCKING over!
PEPPERS: Oh make no mistake Senator Kerry. We are demanding the truth and we will get it. Your lies have betrayed you and your hopes for the Whitehouse.

ALgore Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
June 9, 2006

PEPPERS: First of all Mr. Gore, let me thank you for granting ANR an interview. You're a hard guy to get a hold of these days.
ALgore: No prob Brian, it's my pleasure. And yes I have been very busy ya know, inventing moviemaking and all....could I just say....
PEPPERS: Maybe later Al. But I have to ask you this...and let me set my question up with the news that BILLY PRESTON the so-called Fifth Beatle passed away yesterday. Were'nt you just a huge fan?
ALgore: Oh my yes, Brian! Huge......he was a brilliant song writer guy for the Beatles and others. But ya know Brian, he had a couple hits of his own.
PEPPERS: Exactly! He had two individual hits. Some say his first big hit describes your political life to a tee.
ALgore: Yes, Brian. That would be his monster single NOTHING FROM NOTHING.
PEPPERS: And his second platinum record mirrors your quest for the Whitehouse?
ALgore: (laughing) I Gotta admit WILL IT GO ROUND IN CIRCLES pretty much sums it up!
PEPPERS: How about this Al? There are religious zealots out there that are claiming BILLY PRESTON sold his soul to the devil to get his foot in the door of the entertainment industry. Rush Limbaugh alleged on his national radio show today that you have done the same. Is that true?
ALgore: Let me say this about that, Brian. I knew the Devil and BILLY PRESTON was no Devil. And the only things I have sold for favors is some missile technology to the North Koreans and my little dog Checkers
PEPPERS: Uh Mr. Gore, that was President Nixon's dog and HIS scandal explanation.
ALgore: Really? Are you sure?
PEPPERS: Yes I'm positive.
ALgore: Well I'll be damned!
PEPPERS: And you probably will be. But let's shift gears and talk about your movie An Inconvenient Truth. Wouldn't ANY truth be inconvenient for you?
ALgore: I invented the fucking INTERNET Brian! ......Oh fudge!......yes the truth is a problem for me.
PEPPERS: Okay...this is going to be hard for you, AL...but do you think you can tell Alien Nation Report the truth on one last question today?
ALgore: I'll try.
PEPPERS: Did you invent Global Warming as a campaign issue pointing towards '08?
ALgore: Yes...BUT HE LIED TO US...HE PLAYED ON OUR FEARS!

Hillary Clinton Interview by:
ANR Correspondent
Brian Peppers
May 30, 2006

PEPPERS: Senator Clinton first let me thank you for taking time from your hectic schedule to talk with us.
CLINTON: Oh it's my pleasure Brian.
PEPPERS: I would think that the question on the minds of most people is whether you intend to run for the Whitehouse in '08. But let me ask you this...how much do you REALLY weigh, like three-hundred and something?
CLINTON: Geez Brian I don't think that is meaningful to your readers.
PEPPERS: Oh come on! How much is it.......two-ninety? And how about those legs.......dead DONKEY walking?
CLINTON: Brian I have dealt with a weight problem all my life and it is patently unfair for you bring it up in an internationally published dialogue. I refuse to answer. Keep in mind I have your FBI records! Remember FILEGATE? Power is mine.
PEPPERS: Yes well there is that.....Okay how about this. When Bill killed Vince Foster and moved his body to that park, what did you know and when did you know it?
CLINTON: I don't recall.
PEPPERS: The Whitewater files that mysteriously turned up in the Whitehouse after the subpoena expired?
CLINTON: I don't recall.
PEPPERS: Please explain your recent attacks on WALMART even though you served on that company's Board of Directors.
CLINTON: No comment.
PEPPERS: Hillary....are you now or have you ever been a lesbian?
CLINTON: No comment.
PEPPERS: Do you know or have you ever known any lesbians other than Monica Lewinsky?
CLINTON: No comment.
PEPPERS: Does your 'no comment' mean that your husband digs dykes and by implication you are in fact gay?
CLINTON: I don't recall.
PEPPERS: Senator you are not very forthcoming which seems to be a bad habit of yours.
CLINTON: Hey! I got your habit right HERE, motherfucker!
PEPPERS: You are out of control Senator. So this will be my last question... You have flip-flopped four times in four years on the War. Your final answer to our readers......FOR or AGAINST victory over terrorism?
CLINTON: I don't recall.