WASHINGTON (ANR Mar 1, 2010) - With an uptick in devastating earthquakes rumbling across the globe, UN climatologists have changed their scifi consensus. They now are claiming the earth is heating up from the inside due to energy exploration. Big Oil !

They are desperately searching for their Nobel Prize winning spokesman Albert Gore to step up and explain the new science. However, the former vice-president is missing.

Gore is reportedly in hiding, having taken refuge in his Tennessee mansion shortly after January's second epic blizzard crippled the nation with record snowfall.

Locals deny to ANR that Gore has been sighted at his estate but confirm that daily firewood deliveries have been made there since early February.

UN Warming Science spokesman Rajendra Pachauri told ANR today, "Well fuck all! We need the Gore. He is the voice of reason. Only he can adequately explain to the world why we are freezing our freaking asses off and dodging falling buildings from this most recent evidence of a global warming crisis!"

The UN is offering a $500 reward for Gore's whereabouts or his pre-paid cell phone number.                 COMMENTS

WASHINGTON (ANR Feb 18, 2010) - In an inexcusable heads-up to Al-Qaeda today, Department of Homeland Security secretary Janet 'Bull' Napolitano revealed that TSA (Transportation Security Administration) agents will begin randomly swabbing cats for explosives residue.

The DHS order apparently stems from recent internet 'chatter' intercepted from known Al-Qaeda websites referencing American pussies and air travel.

ANR has learned that DHS operatives misinterpreted a photoshopped Google image believing it proved the existence of Islamic suicide bomber cats. - See photo above

Napolitano told ANR yesterday, "The point is to make sure that the air environment is a safe environment. We know that Al-Qaeda and other terrorists continue to think of aviation as a way to attack the United States. One way we keep it safe is by new technology and random use of different types of technology."

According to the Napolitano directive to avoid 'profiling' and if too few cats are actually spotted in airports, TSA agents will scour surrounding neighborhoods for strays.

One TSA staffer said, "Don't know about you but I feel safer already. Big Sis is on the job !" Oh REALLY ?     COMMENTS

TOYOTA CITY, JAPAN (ANR Feb 17, 2010) - TORA! TORA! TORA! Angered by what company officials say is an all out assault on the honor of the Japanese people, Toyota Motors, Inc. announced today they will be recalling billions of dollars in Democrat campaign contributions.

The U.S. Administration and Congress have launched numerous investigations into Toyota's recent production problems that resulted in some models recalled.

Using their lapdogs in the Main Stream Media, Congress has planted story after story alleging Toyota vehicles are unsafe, hoping to bring down the world's most successful automobile manufacturer.

Toyota spokesman Shosei Matsuyami told ANR today, "We are quite aware the U.S. leadership is trying to salvage their takeover of American car makers by destroying our name and market-share. They will fail in November without our yen!"

Accepting campaign contributions from a foreign company, individual or government is unlawful and punishable by up to twenty years in prison and/or Gitmo.

TORA! TORA! TORA! translated, Tiger! Tiger! Tiger! was code used by the Japanese in their sneak attack on Pearl Harbor, December 7, 1941.                              COMMENTS

02-17-10
Interview with Vice President Joe 'Plugs' Biden. For complete transcript and free download click HERE